Restitution
by MissDaisy87
Summary: Inara pays a heavy price for a mistake in judgment. A bit of speculation on Inara's past...written in response to a discussion about her reactions to Mal.Disclaimer: Not mine. Still just playing around with it.


**I**nara Serra lifted the heavy tray of dishes and headed out of the kitchen. She tried to keep her walk neutral, without swaying her hips at all, but it wasn't easy. She had been trained to put sensuality into her every move, a habit that was now a drawback rather than an asset. But she was determined to get off this god-forsaken planet and back to Sihnon without using an ounce of the feminine wiles that ruled her life before her fall from grace. Of course, that didn't keep Cookie from staring holes in her back as she swung through the door to the dining room, such as it was. Inara could feel his eyes on her all the time and while this used to be what she expected and even thrilled to, now it felt almost dangerous.

The café were she managed to get work catered to a simple crowd, mostly ranch hands, mostly men, mostly lonely. The loneliness she could relate to; it had been six months of never being touched except by her own hands. She could have any one of these men as a temporary lover, but they were a honest group, for the most part, and she would not mislead one of them, no matter how hard and sad she found this life. Passion and love had made an idle plaything of her. Inara would not do the same to some unsuspecting man.

Six more months and she will have earned enough credits for transport out of here and the heavy restitution fee the Companion Guild will demand to allow her back in. Then she faced the year of meditation, prayer and re-training required of her, under the guidance of the Hierophants. They were hard women; retired Companions who had never lost their way, never let themselves slide from the rules, never been in love. But if she survived all that she would be an active Companion again. This time she would hold tight to that privilege, this time she would keep her dignity and her distance, this time she would save herself from the heart break of love.

They _had_ warned her, of course, when she applied to leave the Guild. "_Men who take Companions as their own are looking for a trophy, not a true love. Either that, or he will never forgive your past, Inara. Are you sure you can trust him?"_ She _had_ been sure and to an extent, she had been right. Hoyt had not been looking for a trophy and he had no problem with her past. Indeed, it had suited him well, every time he had cheated on her. When she finally learned the truth, he had been surprised at her hurt and anger. "_After all, Inara, a sophisticated woman like you should know better. It's not like Companions are about fidelity or constancy."_ The depth of her lover's misunderstanding had rocked her to her core. Inara had refused his help in returning home; she would not be paid for by him, even if he had been able to easily afford it. Theirs had been a simple life, but she had treasured it, putting aside her luxuries, as she had put aside her dolls and balls when she entered the Guild.

"Once a Companion, always a Companion" she reminded herself every night, as she draped her body in the silk she denied herself during the rough work day. The mantra was both pleasure and punishment and she was determined to never lose sight of this truth again. No more falling in love, no more believing she could be more to a man, no more giving herself without recompense. Inara Serra had learned her lesson well.

_Once a Companion, always a Companion._

Endnotes: My use of the word Heirophant for the Companions who re-train "fallen Companions" is based on a description of the Heirophant tarot card and not rom anything I read about in canon or on fan sites that I can recall. Unfortunately, I can't add a link to the site I found the description on, but if you really want to know, please do ask.

Thanks to **coquillagement** for the fact checking and for sending Inara back to Sihnon, instead of Persephone, where she would have been just as lost. The remaining mistakes are mine.


End file.
